May-December

I've heard the Ashton Kutcher/Demi Moore marriage referred to as a "May-December romance." I don't know about you, but I think, metaphorically speaking, you don't reach the "December" phase of life until near the end of it. You know, "winter of my discontent" age. At the minimum, at least the age you're old enough to be a card-carrying member of the AARP.

Demi is 43, only a couple years older than myself! If she were the 28-year-old and he the 43-year-old, they would have called it "May-September," if anything, or at worst, "mid-life crisis meets trophy wife." It seems that women Of a Certain Age are perceived as older than men of the same age.

All of these seasonal descriptions got me thinking about the idea of the metaphor of months corresponding with the human life cycle--spring as the time of youth, summer young adulthood, autumn middle age, late autumn to early winter old age and death, and the bulk of winter perhaps that dormant time after death or before birth.

If I were going to assign what I consider appropriate ages for each month, what would they be for a human with an average 80-year lifespan?

March: Birth, infancy, early to mid childhood (0-8)
April: Late childhood to young teen (9-16)
May: Peak fertility years (17-24)
June: Young adulthood (25-32)
July: Mid Adulthood (33-40)
August: Early Middle Age (41-48)
September: Middle Age (49-56)
October: Late Middle Age/"Young" Old Age (57-64)
November: Old Age (65-72)
December: Late Old Age/Death (73-80)
January and February: The Twilight Zone

This little exercise has made me realize how much in denial our society is about how Aging=You're Gonna Die Someday. Middle age is always however old your parents are. We think death is optional, and if we just keep eating healthy/working out/getting ourselves sliced and diced with cosmetic surgery procedures, it won't happen to us.

A coworker of mine was going on and on about how someday in our lifetimes, we'll have the technology to live to 120, and he was all excited about the idea of living that long. Yeah, I don't particularly want to die either, but to me that just seems like hogging the stage and wearing out your welcome.

Dear Mr. Smoke Alarm

You know we love your desire to constantly look out for our safety, your willingness to stun our ears on all three floors at the merest whiff of smoke, amply warning us, and probably our nieghbors, of the possiblilty of a devastating fire.

But, with all due respect, I could have lived without your opinion on the wisdom of my decision to use the broiler the other night. Yes, I know, our oven isn't the cleanest. We don't know how to use its self-cleaning feature,* so it has a layer, or six, of our cooking spills from the past 3-4 years.

Every time I opened the oven, even before putting the chicken in, you just had to open your big mouth with that incessant, shrieking high A-flat "people repellent" tone of voice, causing me to drop to a fetal position with my fingers in my ears, moaning my annoyance. Getting a chair under you to fan you and calm you down was painful as it necessitated the removal of my fingers from my ears. I think I showed admirable restraint in not ripping you innards out, (as I so dearly desired,) but carefully took the time to figure out how to open your battery case and remove what I thought was the equivalent of your brain. A humane lobotomy, if you will.

Imagine my surprise when, as I was basting the chicken, you let forth with more mighty wailing, even battery-less! And not only you, but your syncophant disciples on the basement and top floors who just have to echo everything you have to say. It's enough to make one wonder whether all that public safety talk about replacing your batteries whenever there's a time change is just a load of B.S.

I know it was you, though, because you finally stopped when I fanned you, not your siblings on the other floors.

I know some people pray in vain for miracles, and it doesn't seem fair that I, who never requested one, should receive the Miracle of the Battery-less, but Still Functioning Smoke Alarm, and I don't even appreciate it. Can I trade this one in for a Vision of How To Temporarily Deactivate the Smoke Alarm?

*After this incident, Paul went online and found an oven manual, not of our model, but of one very similar, with self-cleaner instructions. I guess we'll have to wait until spring to do it, since it will be very smoky and smelly so we'll need to have every window open.

Mid-November Health Update

Edited 11/18/05 to add: Here's a new pic of me standing up straight and holding it in on a good hair day.* I make a pretty good-looking size 18, even if I do say so myself. <grin>

*I think I've finally figured out how to style this cut and it's finally finished growing out, looking much better than three months ago.

In 1996, the first time I ever modified my lifestyle on purpose, I lost 35 pounds in 4 months, more or less keeping it off for a year and a half. I have been known to refer self-deprecatingly to that time as my "weight-loss-as-a-full-time-hobby period," meaning, of course, how worth it could it be when I had to spend every waking moment thinking about it?

Well, here I am 9 weeks into my health makeover with not a single week passing without measurable progress, not a single day of backtracking or bingeing (which I can't say about the first time). And I've come to realize I can't be successful at this without it being a full-time hobby or "project." I'm not OCD about it--I don't count calories, I don't do workouts more than 4 times a week, and no particular food is completely off-limits--but I do constantly think about things like how I can get more walking or fiber in, or how many weeks until I can comfortably wear my 2002 jeans.

It is so worth it, though. I feel like I've knocked 5 years off how old I feel (no longer feeling "middle-aged"). Caffeine is no longer necessary to jump-start me in the morning. My feet hurt a lot less, most days not at all. And I already look noticeably different, and can wear all of my 2003 clothes, having lost almost 3 years' worth of weight gain!

My new workout DVDs finally came about 10 days ago, and I've done all 6 FitPrimes once each already. They are the best workouts ever, and perfect for what I need at this stage of my life. I'm still walking 5 days a week, too.

I've set myself an ambitious but realistic goal--to get back to a size 12 (38-30-40) and 140 lbs, which is healthy for me. At the rate I'm going, I should get there by spring!

I'm about 30% there. Progress so far:
Weight: -13.0 lbs
Bust: -2.0 inches
Waist: -2.75 inches
Hips: -2.25 inches
Thighs: -2.0 inches