Dear Mr. Smoke Alarm

You know we love your desire to constantly look out for our safety, your willingness to stun our ears on all three floors at the merest whiff of smoke, amply warning us, and probably our nieghbors, of the possiblilty of a devastating fire.

But, with all due respect, I could have lived without your opinion on the wisdom of my decision to use the broiler the other night. Yes, I know, our oven isn't the cleanest. We don't know how to use its self-cleaning feature,* so it has a layer, or six, of our cooking spills from the past 3-4 years.

Every time I opened the oven, even before putting the chicken in, you just had to open your big mouth with that incessant, shrieking high A-flat "people repellent" tone of voice, causing me to drop to a fetal position with my fingers in my ears, moaning my annoyance. Getting a chair under you to fan you and calm you down was painful as it necessitated the removal of my fingers from my ears. I think I showed admirable restraint in not ripping you innards out, (as I so dearly desired,) but carefully took the time to figure out how to open your battery case and remove what I thought was the equivalent of your brain. A humane lobotomy, if you will.

Imagine my surprise when, as I was basting the chicken, you let forth with more mighty wailing, even battery-less! And not only you, but your syncophant disciples on the basement and top floors who just have to echo everything you have to say. It's enough to make one wonder whether all that public safety talk about replacing your batteries whenever there's a time change is just a load of B.S.

I know it was you, though, because you finally stopped when I fanned you, not your siblings on the other floors.

I know some people pray in vain for miracles, and it doesn't seem fair that I, who never requested one, should receive the Miracle of the Battery-less, but Still Functioning Smoke Alarm, and I don't even appreciate it. Can I trade this one in for a Vision of How To Temporarily Deactivate the Smoke Alarm?

*After this incident, Paul went online and found an oven manual, not of our model, but of one very similar, with self-cleaner instructions. I guess we'll have to wait until spring to do it, since it will be very smoky and smelly so we'll need to have every window open.