May-December

I've heard the Ashton Kutcher/Demi Moore marriage referred to as a "May-December romance." I don't know about you, but I think, metaphorically speaking, you don't reach the "December" phase of life until near the end of it. You know, "winter of my discontent" age. At the minimum, at least the age you're old enough to be a card-carrying member of the AARP.

Demi is 43, only a couple years older than myself! If she were the 28-year-old and he the 43-year-old, they would have called it "May-September," if anything, or at worst, "mid-life crisis meets trophy wife." It seems that women Of a Certain Age are perceived as older than men of the same age.

All of these seasonal descriptions got me thinking about the idea of the metaphor of months corresponding with the human life cycle--spring as the time of youth, summer young adulthood, autumn middle age, late autumn to early winter old age and death, and the bulk of winter perhaps that dormant time after death or before birth.

If I were going to assign what I consider appropriate ages for each month, what would they be for a human with an average 80-year lifespan?

March: Birth, infancy, early to mid childhood (0-8)
April: Late childhood to young teen (9-16)
May: Peak fertility years (17-24)
June: Young adulthood (25-32)
July: Mid Adulthood (33-40)
August: Early Middle Age (41-48)
September: Middle Age (49-56)
October: Late Middle Age/"Young" Old Age (57-64)
November: Old Age (65-72)
December: Late Old Age/Death (73-80)
January and February: The Twilight Zone

This little exercise has made me realize how much in denial our society is about how Aging=You're Gonna Die Someday. Middle age is always however old your parents are. We think death is optional, and if we just keep eating healthy/working out/getting ourselves sliced and diced with cosmetic surgery procedures, it won't happen to us.

A coworker of mine was going on and on about how someday in our lifetimes, we'll have the technology to live to 120, and he was all excited about the idea of living that long. Yeah, I don't particularly want to die either, but to me that just seems like hogging the stage and wearing out your welcome.